EMDR & Brainspotting

In August 2024, it was suggested to me to look into Brainspotting or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). They are both psychotherapy techniques used to treat trauma and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I’d heard of EMDR before as a friend of mine had used a practitioner that did it. I got that practitioner’s name and phone number and booked in for the following week. It involved recalling distressing memories that I had while also engaging in bilateral stimulation (side-to-side eye movements). It’s supposed to help process and reduce the emotional impact of those memories. 

Session One

We talked about what I was struggling with the most and decided to work on the memory of finding my Breast Cancer lump. There are other memories that are sticking points for me like my diagnosis date, surgery, chemo for starters but finding my lump was the subject this time.

I honestly hadn't realised until we went into it further that my lump may as well have still been in there. I imagined it every time I thought or looked at my left boob. I could “feel it” even though it wasn't there anymore.

I had to think of the memory as clearly as I could (which wasn't hard). What could I smell, hear, see, and feel? I needed to put myself right back in that moment on that November morning. How did it make me feel, and how strong did I feel it out of 10?

Then, I had to follow the practitioner’s fingers as they moved them in front of me in a pattern. Back and forth, up and down, side to side... Then close my eyes and bring back the memory. How strong did I feel that feeling? What was the memory like?

I sobbed.

We did it a few times during the session. Each time, the memory changed. And I can honestly say by the end of the session I no longer felt like there was a lump in my boob.

It was the day before my one year anniversary of ringing my bell at chemo. I thought I was over all of my lump/surgery/chemo/radio/whole breast cancer stuff, but just then I wasn't so sure. Something I had struggled with for eighteen months changed in an hour! It was powerful stuff and I booked in for another session.

Session Two

In the second session we tried Brainspotting. This is supposed to build on EMDR at a deeper level. A Brainspot relates to a certain area in the brain where unresolved trauma or emotional distress is stored.

Today we were going to work on how I felt about my boobs post surgery. My practitioner got me to feel the feeling as strong as I could about them. He then raised a stick with a ball on the end of it and told me to look at it. He held it up straight like it represented noon on a clock face. He moved it to the left and to the right in a large semicircle. I had to say whether the feeling I felt was stronger or weaker. When it was at its strongest he held the stick in that position.

I put headphones on that were playing music. 

I didn't feel the benefit of this as much as I had done the week before. Each time he asked me out of 10 to rate how strong the feeling was, the lowest it got to was a 7.

By the end of the session I wanted to come out loving my boobs. To be proud of them rather than feeling like ‘that was the bit that cancer couldn't be bothered with so left behind for my surgeon to make some kind of boobs with’.

When the session ended, I wasn't feeling disgust and resentment like at the start but I wasn't loving them either. I felt nothing. As though nothing were there at all.

I booked in for a third session but this is where my treatment had to stop. Whether it was the treatment or just a coincidence we still can't be sure but…

The Morning After

The morning after my second session, my body did a full twitch when I woke up. Then another, then another. I had one full day of attacks (NEAD attacks). They ranged from seconds then back to back constantly for an hour. I lay in bed and let them happen. I was exhausted. These attacks took me b

ack in terms of what I was capable of doing for myself by six months. We couldn’t risk it happening again so I cancelled my third session until we knew more. It was devastating for my family to watch and be so helpless. I had to put them first.

The brain is a powerful thing. Make sure you do your research in finding a practitioner. Make sure it is right for you. It wasn't for me but I'm glad I tried it ❤️.

JuJu