Chapter 2
The Crash
The Christie
In November 2023, I had my final appointment with my oncologist. Active treatment for my breast cancer had finished (that’s a whole other story), and this appointment was meant to close the chapter. But I couldn’t ignore the lingering pain. My Gabapentin dose had been upped during radiotherapy, but it wasn’t enough - and I couldn’t go much higher without feeling woozy and foggy.
My oncologist listened. She referred me to neurology and introduced me to a nurse at The Christie in Manchester who specialised in nerve pain. I was switched from Gabapentin to Pregabalin, and my body handled it a little better. But as the pain increased, so did my dosage. And slowly, without noticing, I started moving less.
I could feel an episode coming before it hit. My head would start to wobble, and I’d stop and sit down. I hadn’t had a shaking episode for months, but that was only because I’d become almost entirely rest-bound. I didn’t move from the settee unless I needed the toilet.
Let's Meet
After weeks of phone calls, I finally met the nurse face-to-face in January 2024. I also saw a physiotherapist who works with patients experiencing nerve pain. A week before the appointment, I’d had my first shaking episode in a while - just 20 seconds, but I had to tense every muscle and hold my breath to make it stop, like I was clamping the lid on a bottle of something fizzing over.
For over a week afterwards, I felt like I was holding it in constantly. It was like something inside me was trying to break out. The more I resisted, the harder it pushed.
The physio wanted things to settle before working with me, so my medications were increased again. I was still waking up in the night from pain so intense I can only describe it like this: imagine a shooting pain travelling down your leg bones so sharp and unbearable you want to scream, pull your teeth out, rip your hair out - anything to make it stop.
My nurse told me to push my GP to urgently re-refer me to neurology.
Morphine Patch
Chilli Cream
We were throwing everything at this pain. And that included... chilli cream. Yes - cream made from hot chilli peppers. The idea was to confuse the nervous system, to overwhelm it with tingling heat instead of the pain signals.
By now, I had daytime medications, nighttime medications, a morphine patch to feed pain relief into me continuously, and oxycodone in liquid form for top-ups. What’s one more thing?
The chilli cream became my go-to for breakthrough pain - too much to ignore, not quite bad enough for the liquid oxycodone.
What I didn’t think about was the fact that the same burning effect on my leg would hit my hands as well.
That was the last time I applied it without gloves.
Hands: 0. Chilli Cream: 1.